Disclaimer: No, I haven’t lost my mind. This article is part of a new category titled “prepper fiction”, as well as an exercise to help you see through the eyes of the bad guy to uncover and fix holes in your survival and preparedness plans.
Will the SHTF? Maybe. I’m too lazy to prep for anything. I don’t think something will happen but I sure as heck know where to go and what to do if it does.
See, I already know a few of these “preppers”. They’re ridiculous if you ask me. Prepping for everything so meticulously. Spending all their money on things they’re never going to use.
Little do they know that I have my eyes on them. I’ve been a professional thief since I was 5. I’m an expert. I don’t need to work in order to get what I want. And when IT finally happens, I’ll be able to get what I want when I want.
How? Ok, I’ll tell you. But you gotta promise you won’t spread the word – this is just too good.
Table of Contents
It all starts with awareness. I know it may sound silly coming form someone with my “background” but trust me, it’s not what you see with your eyes, it’s what you see with your mind.
And these preppers are all the same. They all read the same stuff, do the same things to prepare and think they’re one-of-a-kind. They may be ahead of most people but they follow a pattern and don’t even know it.
Then they blab about it on social media. The ‘gram. Facebook. All this stuff they buy. All this training they do. They make it so easy to find where they live they practically have a spotlight over ‘em.
Racks and racks of goods, all packaged up nice and neat, labeled and dated, ripe for the taking. And take I shall when the time comes.
These preppers, I’m telling you, there ain’t one in 100 worth a damn in a fight. Out of shape, the lot of them. Well, that isn’t entirely true- “round” is a shape.
I just watched a camo-wearing dork with a pistol on his hip lose his wind after jogging up a flight of stairs. One flight! If he thinks he could outrun someone like me, he’s dreaming.
The moment I spot a person who looks overweight, I instantly know that I can take whatever they have during or after a disaster if they don’t have a weapon. Heck, I could do it right now just to prove it to you.
They can read all the military manuals and articles in the world, but I’m faster, fitter and meaner, which means I can take most of them down in a one on one fight.
Sure, there are a few hard-bitten tough guys in the bunch, but they are few and far between. Most of these well-off bozos are swimming in gear and goodies while being softer than a sock full of puppy crap.
I train hard but I don’t waste money on the gym. Don’t need to, and don’t want the exposure. I can do it all at home with just my body weight and a few dumb-bells and a rope.
In the pen, you either get strong and tough or die, and we didn’t have no cushy elliptical machines, dig? I stay plenty flexible and strong enough to handle these pretenders, I’ll tell you that.
Ripe for the Taking
Where will I get food? Same place I get everything else when the balloon goes up. Preppers with a few extra pounds are most likely to focus on stockpiling kibble for the coming collapse.
I already know how to pick a lock and let myself in, and considering they probably don’t spend on securing what’s already in their house, the only problem I’ll have will be carrying that smorgasbord.
Even if they do, I’ll surely find another way in; the attic, the basement window they didn’t even think about. If I can get into either, I’m a happy man.
How can I tell at a glance who has food and who doesn’t? After a few weeks into The Big One, most people are going to be skinny from not having much to eat.
Stress and depression will get to all of us, and that’ll cut even more weight. But some preppers will have the food to comfort them and they’ll be easy to spot because they’ll just look well-fed compared to the rest of us animals.
Bartering? I prefer “free”, thank you
Wanna know how to quickly figure out who has something I need and who doesn’t? Easy; they’ll tell me! People who’re willing to barter, are who I’m talking about, of course.
I just have to pretend to be interested in something basic such as food, water or medicine. A little bit of the ol’ strongarm or some five-finger discount and it’ll be mine all mine…
You can practically get an inventory from these shmucks.
I show up to trade but I won’t give to get what they’re offering. Every word coming out of my mouth will be to get more information about what they have, their situation, and so on. I’ll also be trying to figure if they have guns and how many people roll with them.
After I or an accomplice trails them home, all we gotta do is watch and plan the job. I’m good at that, you know. Once I find out where the goodies are, I’ll have plenty of time to figure out how to get them.
Home defense. You think I’m stupid? Everyone knows that some of them are going to provide me with only one way in. Every article on the Internet pertaining to home defense knows that it’s a trap. We thieves have internet as well, you know.
Little Pig, let me in
I’m not so cherry as to think everyone is gonna just roll over. Flabby or not, plenty of these cats will have guns and know how to use ‘em. Busy as ants, these preppers, fortifying their houses.
You think I’m stupid? I know that some of them are going to provide me with only one “easy” way in. Every keen jobber knows that it’s a trap. We have the internet too, you know.
I’ve sharpened my own game plenty from reading up on the latest and greatest “can’t fail” techniques. Always a bigger fish, my friend.
Dogs? No, I’m not worried about dogs, you idiot.
I don’t care about dogs because most of ‘em just frickin’ bark, nothing more. The ones that don’t I can take care of them, easy. It’s nothing to give a dog outside a place the slip with a hank of meat, pepper spray those prepper’s love so much or just by poisoning him.
Now, if there’s a dog on the inside, that would be a bigger problem because Poochie’s barking is likely to get Pops up and at ‘em with 12 gauge in hand. Forget that.
Look, I want a payday, I’m not out here to prove myself, so I usually try to stick to homes that are easy. But if push comes to shove, I can kick a door right off the hinges and storm the place before they can react. One way or the other, I’m gonna eat. Law of the jungle, friendo.
Nowhere to hide
You hear these nerds? Talking about being some kind of “gray man” like they are Batman or Superman, all alter-ego and crap.
Being a “grey man”? Oh, please. That game’s rigged from the start, no one can do that better than me. I sure as heck don’t look like the dirtbag I am, promise..
In fact, many people instinctively trust me when they meet me. It’s all about human nature. Say the right things, do the right things, you can have people eating out of your hand, or at worst they’ll be working against their own self-interest.
Lots of people, including those clever preppers, fall for it. They think they know how to spot looters, but most of them won’t know who’s who until they are carrying off a case of MREs and a crate of ammo. I won’t leave them totally broke; they can keep a few beans, on the house!
My pa, bless the dearly departed bastard, said you need to dress it impress the important people. I took that to heart, at least. But he left a part off; you dress to belong.
People instinctively trust people who look like them, so I do. In fact, the moment I perceive you have resources, I may just let it slip I have much of the same. The smartphone, the Garmin watch.
I’ll “accidentally” make sure you see my “cool” gear just so you can think to yourself: “Nah, this guy? I’d trust him.” They never expect their “fellow” prepper to be the one who turns on them…
Tools of the Trade
Guns? Nah, I don’t carry one. At least, I won’t till the bombs fall and scrap the earth clean for the New Man to rise and prosper. I ain’t allowed to carry them anymore after my last conviction, so I don’t.
Too costly to get busted with one. It don’t matter though, I improvise when I have to, and these losers don’t exactly make it hard. They leave out all kinds of goodies for me.
Hammers, shears, ladders, knives, screwdrivers. All kinds of stuff I can use to get them or get at their stuff. Hell, I can make a shiv out of anything, literally.
Hey, man, I had a lot of time to practice. The time in jail taught me a lot, you know. I can make a shiv out of broken glass. Out of a plastic pen. Hell, I can make a real good shank out of toothbrush! I’m not worried about getting weapons. I’ll have plenty after I pay our prepper friend a visit.
I catch one of these cats alone and distracted, I can take him out real quiet and quick, too fast for him to see it coming or do anything about it, especially if he drops his guard and lets me get in close. Then, as they say, su casa es mi casa. Don’t mind if I do, pally!
One Big Score
I have a few, well, friends is too kind a word. Associates is more fitting. Anyway, associates who are snooping and scooping high and low looking to find one of these fabled bunkers the fat cat preppers can afford. Yeah, a bunker. Cold War kinda shit.
A bunkers. Oh man, if I had a map to a bunker, wouldn’t have to break into any more homes! You know these bunkers are death traps, right? People dies in holes just like moles.
Had a dude doing a dime in with me, former Army engineer. Siege trained, stuff like that. Said it is a cinch to smoke anyone out as long as you can find the vent stack.
You do that; pop goes the weasel and open sesame! Bunkers are usually chock-full of supplies because only the very well to do can afford bunkers. What a score that’d be huh?
OK, pay attention, kid, this is the most important thing I want you to learn. Save the best for last, eh? There’s an easy way to find these preppers no matter where you go and what you are doing.
Preppers live for this stuff. It’s more like a hobby than a duty to them. They won’t shut up about it! They yap online, they yap in person. Prep this, prep that. It never ends. You keep your ears perked you’ll hear them yapping about “the End” this and “SHTF” that.
They love leaning into conversations about liberals and how they screwed up the U.S. or how you cannot rely on anyone but yourself. The walls have ears, well, they missed that memo.
Chat ‘em up, I say! It’s an easy way to build rapport for a rainy day if you know what I’m saying. Feel their pain, share their worries and keep in touch.
They’ll never suspect it until it’s too late to do anything about it. what I really am as long as I show them that I myself am a prepper. And keep an eye out for their rides, too.
You’ll know it’s them when you see a bunch of off-road looking kit on it, roof racks, prepper-centric stickers, that kinda crap. Where that ride could lead you, well, it’ll lead you to where the food is, I’ll tell you that much!
As I stated in the beginning, this is a work of fiction and is designed to get you to see preparedness from a different perspective. I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t trust anyone, it’s a matter of “how much”.